Instead, he felt like his wife was placing impossible demands on him. As he worked on mindfulness and started noticing the space between his anger and his actions, he opened up the door into a profound realization. He didn’t like his reactions, but he felt he couldn’t help it. When his wife would make a request of him, he would criticize her. It’ s easy to see a person’s anger but can be difficult to see the underlying feelings the anger is protecting.įor example, Dave believed he had an anger problem. Similarly, when we are angry, there are usually other emotions hidden beneath the surface. Most of the iceberg is hidden below the surface of the water. Our heart rate speeds up and a rush of hormones-including adrenaline-create a surge of energy strong enough to take “vigorous action.” In this way, anger has been ingrained into our brain to protect us. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Goleman tells us that anger causes blood to flow to our hands, making it easier for us to strike an enemy or hold a weapon. “Have you ever wondered why we get angry? According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, “emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.” What would your life be like if anger was only an occasional acquaintance instead of a best friend we can’t leave home without? Why would we need/want anger if we work on feeling safe? Anger is almost exclusively ignited by our need to feel safe. We learn that he/she/they/them are rarely the source of anger. If not fear, is sadness or pain present? What other emotions are being experienced? What would it be like if we stayed with the primary emotion( s) before moving to the protection mode of anger? This kind of exercise can be extremely informative in learning what really fuels our anger.

What is underneath that anger building a fortress so it does not have to be experienced? Is it fear? We always start with fear. When I work with clients who experience anger regularly, we explore what is being protected by anger. In reality, I was often getting large and forceful. I thought I was not being heard and often felt small. I was not aware of how I affected others with my anger. I became safe for both people and the walls of my home! People stopped flinching when they offered feedback or questioned me about anything. Fortunately for everyone I met, the initial steps towards owning my anger were underway. That is when the shift began for me.įortunately for the walls in my home, I slowly started to step back and check to see what I was protecting underneath the anger. You must feel another emotion first before you can experience anger.” Notice how the fear part was left out of my process? Eventually, the part about fear also made its way into my process. In the following weeks and months, every time I became angry, I often heard her in the back of my head whispering, “Michael, anger is a secondary emotion. I’m pissed off, not scared!” Her words haunted me. The primary emotion is typically fear, sometimes sadness or pain.” Of course, I became even angrier when she said this! I remember thinking, “ Fear, I am not scared of anything. You must feel another emotion first before you can experience anger. Many years ago, the psychologist who turned my life around once told me, “Michael, anger is a secondary emotion.

Mel's anger iceberg pdf